The Call

This afternoon, while attempting a workout, my phone rings from an unknown number...
A few seconds later it beeped to notify me of a voicemail.
It was a caseworker at the Children's Division. She had a possible placement if we were interested. I called her right back to get more details. She told me the situation and as much detail as she could. Michael and I agreed to open our home to our first foster placement.

The hours after that were kinda a blur or getting fresh sheets on the bed and impatiently waiting for them to arrive. The call came before 4 pm and they had arrived about 6:30 pm. It was a rush of information and emotion.

Maddie and the little girl seemed to click right away; off they went as the caseworker talked to us a little more. The little girl wasn't showing any signs of being scared or shy at all. She seems perfectly happy, healthy and thriving. Maddie showed her around and they carried all her things into her room. Later she asked if she could show me one of her dresses. Of course! Then she had bracelets to show. She and Maddie have matching pj's and they thought that was pretty cool. 

At bedtime I suggested we read some stories. She offered her new book we could all read together. Maddie asked if she could sleep in the room also. She got the top bunk. My heart melted as Maddie and her new sister bonded. Maddie didn't want her to be alone in the room, how sweet. Makes my heart full!!

The girls were tucked in bed. I asked if anyone wanted hugs (didn't want to push). She thought for just a second and said, "I do!" I gave both girls hugs, turned on a recorded story and shut off the lights. 

I came to the computer to finish last night's blog. My heart was so full and so broken all at the same time. I hadn't quite processed it all when my friend texted. She said something I needed to hear. Another rush of emotion. I burst into tears. No one can prepare you for this, and it's just the beginning.

If I can make even a small difference in the lives of these kids who need to feel loved and safe, I'll know my heart drug me into the right direction. My "broken" heart will heal (sort-of). As long as I do what I can to give them what they need, even for a short while, it will be worth it.

PCOS to Foster Care

For some time now, years actually, I've had the desire to adopt (possible even before Maddie was born). It never seemed to be something we could do, it was always just beyond what I thought we could achieve. 

Somehow the notion (is that the word?!) of Foster Care came up in my heart. I ignored it, or tried. I remember having a discussion with my best friend November of 2015 and it just didn't seem right for us then.

Fast forward to late September- October of 2016. We were volunteering for our church "play." One of the other volunteers happened to show up with her foster child. (She was at the church's play the year before with foster children - when I was ignoring the feeling) Hours before this play practice/scene setup I had asked for prayers from a Facebook group I'm in (I was having a tough time and didn't know what to do. Prayers always help.)... Anyway, when I saw her with that baby... Idk, it was like a sign. A giant neon sign, saying "Misty, THIS is what you're supposed to do." Call me crazy. Tell me you don't believe. I do. 

She gave me info on whom and where to call. Within a couple weeks I had gotten a call back saying the first training night was the next evening! I'm telling you, a sign. It's like it all lined up perfectly.

We took 9 weeks of training. In mid-late December our classes were over; all our paperwork was in and home changes done, and we were licensed. We were put on "the list" the Friday before Christmas. It seemed like we would get a call any minute after. All weekend I remember being antsy for "the call"... it didn't come. If you're a foster parent you know that feeling.

Just last night my husband and I were talking about how long it seemed to have been since our classes ended, and still no call. We were a little confused. I remember thinking are we even on "the list" and maybe even looking back through email to check. We were.

Since 2011....

2011..? - I started this blog way back then, almost 6 years ago. I started it to "document" my journey, share my past, experiences, and my struggles. Somehow along the way I lost the reason I started this; to share with you. Maybe I was overwhelmed, sad/depressed, hopeless, or just plain pissed that I felt helpless. Either way....

I don't know if I ever finished the stories about the beginning. Probably not. Sorry about that to anyone who actually read this or was interested. Hopefully I'll get around to it... before 6 more years! haha

It's already 2017, holy cow. We're still the same family of 3, for now. Maddie is now 10. I can hardly believe how time has flown by! We have moved a couple times since then (I'm not even sure where we lived when I started this. lol)

***Once again things got hectic last night and I lost my train of thought. Go figure! lol

The BIG news (From 2005)

I couldn't wait. I had to share the news. I had taken 3 tests, not fancy tests btw, the cheapy-looking doctor's office tests. It was Christmas morning and I wanted to make a big deal of my big news. I quickly wrapped 2 of those tests in raisin boxes -of all things- filled with tissue paper, it fit perfectly.

We "got ready" for our Christmas day and handing out our "presents". We decided to stop by my in-law's house first. We handed his mom this tiny little wrapped box and said here is a present for all of you (six people & our little niece)! His mom was confused, "This is for ALL of us?" She has a look like how could anything in this tiny box be for all of us.... She slowly opened the box. I don't remember much after that, except a lot loud "oh my gosh" hugs, tear, and laughter.

On to tell my Dad....butterflies in my stomach..... If you know my Dad, you know he's not a jolly guy, kinda gruff and not at all emotional or "lovey dovey". My sister handed out all of the wrapped gifts from under the tree, taking the tiny package, without a label, over to my Dad. He said, "Who's this for?" We were all saying it's for you just open it first! "Well how do you know it's for me? It doesn't even have a name tag! Who's it from?" We told him who it was from and we all said, "Just open it!!" To which my Mom interrupted, without any negative comments. He slowly started opening the tiny package.... finally finding the small stick inside, looking a little more than confused. I remember my Mom asking, "Well, what did you get? What is it?" "It's positive," said my Dad. "What's positive? What is it?" asked my Mom. "It's a test... A pregnancy test, and it's positive! She's pregnant!" excitedly shouted my Dad.

I can't remember much after that, just excitement and joy. :)

My "Aunt" disappears...

Right after the Wedding, I forget exactly how long, I went off my BC. We were not TRYING, but we were ok if it happened. Soon after we were married my periods just stopped. For about 3 months or so. My mom worked at the Ob/gyn's office so she would communicate what was happening to the doctor. She told me to take a pregnancy test- of course BFN (negative). She said try a First Morning Urine pregnancy test-- again BFN. She gave me a shot of progesterone in oil. This happened the same was for those 3 months..... I had to get the shot to have a cycle. In December a friend of my mom's who happened to work in the OB department of the Hospital decided she wanted to do an ultra sound on me. She didn't see anything. Another shot of progesterone for me.

During this time the Doctor had done exams on me (of course). She thought or suspected I had PCOS, but I didn't have any health insurance at the time. I didn't get the official testing done, she just assumed that's what it was.

Later on a few months we decided we wanted to TRY and were really upset when it didn't happen. She gave me Clomid at 50mg, and another Rx to work with it (I forget the name!), nothing happened. Another cycle started-- another Rx of Clomid at 50mg..... again, nothing. The Third month we decided to double up on the Clomid, 100mg while watching for O (like usual).......... Nothing. I was crushed, beyond words. That was it, I was done. I couldn't do it anymore.

In July I think it was, we found out Michael's cousin was pregnant. We were excited for them, but sad for us. We decided to take a big break and let her have her time. Somewhere around this time my mom decided she was going to start Weight Watchers, and wanted some support. So I did it with her.... Over the Summer I had lost about 30 pounds. I didn't think much of it, just kept going along.......

December 2005- Christmas Time with the In-laws. My hubby's sister's Boyfriend (and baby's dad) decided to propose.... I was more emotional than she was. I shed a few tears and they asked why I was crying. I didn't know! lol Christmas Eve, everyone was sick with flu-like symptoms, just really sick. I didn't feel so well, but didn't think anything of that either. I never threw up, just felt awful.

On Christmas morning, for some crazy reason, I decided I would "test" - I didn't expect anything. I took the first test....... a dot and a line..... A DOT and a line?! WTH? I asked hubby what he thought. He was still half asleep and said "it looks like 4 to me!" hmmm....? I took another test-- looked like 2 lines to me... Hubby agreed. I called my mom and told her I need her to come look at my FMU. She said "Your what?!" My First morning urine... "Your first morning urine.... your urine?!" "Yes, mom my first morning urine.... My FIRST urine of the day! My FMU... Mom, my FMU!" "Your first morning urine..??.... Oh!!, Oh, oh, ooohhhh, oh, ok!!! I'll be right there!!" She got there and I dipped another test-- Quickly came up 2 lines! Soooo exciting!!!!!!

So much for "MY Plans"

Back to the Story of Love....

After that Prom night in May, I was hooked like a fish. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to see him or talk to him constantly... Summer was here and more time for us. Long walks and even longer talks on the porch. I'd say we fell in love kinda fast. After a little more than one month of boyfriend/girlfriend status, He said those 3 little words...... "I love You." We've been inseparable pretty much from then on. After 7 1/2 months he asked me to marry him.

We talked about our plans. We talked about our future. We agreed on pretty much everything.... 2 kids, maybe, depending on how things went, we'd try for #3. We even talked about names, and agreed on those!

1 year after Prom- our first date hehe- we went to my Senior Prom, then it was time for Graduation. Some tough choices had to be made. I stayed at home to go to a closer college. My dad and I got into a little fight 2 days after graduation, and I went to stay with Michael. The plan was to stay temporarily.... That plan didn't work out either. We moved into an apartment and have never stayed more than a few days apart.

During my HS years I went to the doctor for some painful periods that were "Off" and unwanted hair/acne & other common signs of PCOS. She brushed this off as me needing to lose weight. She didn't bother to test for anything else.

Fast forward a few years and we are FINALLY planning our wedding. We decided on an October Wedding- we both love fall!! We decided this in January or February.... well, we didn't start making real plans until like August! haha The Wedding turned out BEAUTIFUL, I couldn't have asked for more. I would like to have better pictures, but.... I didn't care about decorations or what anyone wore. My Uncle told me he was going to wear his greasy over-alls. I said, "I don't care what you wear!" He just laughed. I just wanted to marry my love, that was important, nothing else.

Dear PCOS, I hate you

It's just one of those times that I realize how much I really hate PCOS. I have so much going through my head. I want another baby more than almost anything. Maddie wants to be a big sister, and she wants a baby "brover". :) I KNOW this is no reason to jump on the baby band wagon, but I was already on that wagon before she expressed her feelings. Hubby is also on the wagon, just less "obsessing" about. He takes the whole, we can't MAKE it happen so why worry attitude... I'm the opposite. Not obsessed, just very much aware my "right" as a women is sort-of taken away. It's not up to me and my husband to say, "Yes, we're ready, we want number 2." It's up to my body (and God of course!) to say I'll work right and produce a healthy egg.... Which could possibly never happen. It's hard to accept that fact.
I love the 3 of us as a family, and IF it's just the 3 of us forever I'll deal with it. I won't ever accept it, I can't make that want go away. I have prayed that if I'm not meant for another to please take this want away... Well, the want is still here. I know the pregnancy will be risky for a few reasons and really hard on my body (especially with Fibro, RA, and OA), but that doesn't even take that want away.... nothing does. It's been four years of no b/c, trying,  not TRYING or preventing, then trying again. My period was something like 5 days late. For the past few months even a year, it's been really regular. Then last cycle it came about 4 days late, and now this month was later than "usual"... This is what makes it suck even more. It's one thing to feel like there is no way, but then PCOS messes with the "normal" cycle length and gives you that tiniest glimmer of hope.... and then crushes it in seconds!! I HATE you PCOS, I hate you... You give me a glimmer of hope then swipe it away. You make my emotions go up and down faster than a roller coaster. You even have the power to make me doubt my worth or abilities as a woman.... This is one roller coaster I want off of. I just wish I had some answers and ideas on how to control you, PCOS.