The long goodbye.

We had a nice weekend hanging out, making memories. On Monday everything was turned into our school district. She should be able to start that Tuesday.

My alarm went off, I headed straight for the bathroom to get ready for the day. Michael went the opposite direction to wake up the girls and make sure they were ready on time. Sounded like the first day ever Maddie didn't have a need to "stretch" (her automatic excuse for being slow). They were both up and ready well before I was. 

I was finishing up when I noticed a text. The caseworker had text about 7:20 am. The text said something to the effect of Lacey will have a visit with her mom at noon and we've found an aunt she'll go to live with right after her parent visit. Keep her home from school if you're able.  .......??!!! What?! We were literally about to walk out the door to school, shoes on, backpacks ready, coats in hand. 

I call Michael into the room and show him the text. I'm sure my face was not a pleasant one. I was confused. We quickly made a new plan; told the girls about the text (they were shocked and confused as well). Then Michael was on his was to take Maddie to school. (He ended up telling me later that Maddie had cried on the way to school. Lacey wasn't happy at the news, but no tears.)

I just stood there for what seemed like an hour. What was happening? How could this be happening so fast? How is this what's best for her reunification with her Mom? We had made plans for that evening with my parents to eat Pizza Hut and the next night have a birthday party for Lacey. I quickly text my mom saying cancel the plans. I also text my best friend just to vent. I was still confused. Where had this aunt been all this time?! WHY hadn't she been making plans before now? Honestly I was pissed. I'm not even sure why or where this feeling was coming from.

By the time Michael had made it home Lacey and I had packed up her belongings along with a few donated items from a new friend of Lacey's. (She wanted to take all P's donated things, btw lol). All of her items in backpacks, small shopping-style bags and Walmart bags. The best we could do on such short notice (some of which she came here with). All packed into the car for later that afternoon.

I'll spare you the long, drawn out, confusing, and downright irritating day. It was a mess we'll just say. It ended with a call from the CW saying the team wasn't fully on board with the move, she'd just stay with us a couple more days if that was alright. Of course I wasn't about to move her again, just to turn around and move her again to the aunt's.

The rest of the week was mostly Lacey and I hanging out at home. Mostly doing nothing. A few games, chitchat, and reading breaks. Less quiet reading alone was going on than I would have liked, but I didn't want to push. We went ahead with the Pizza Hut dinner, where they gave her a whole tray of brownies (had to share with the rest of us, too much sugar for one!). After, we let her pick out a cake and decorations to add to it for the party the following day. 

Thursday around 7:30 am another text from the CW... "If I come get her in an hour can you have her things gathered and ready?" Her stuff was mostly still packed and ready from before, no sense in unpacking. I then realized she still had stuff in our car, but Michael wasn't home from work. The CW said it was fine she'd just get it later (again, for some reason, that really annoyed me. Why couldn't she just wait a few minutes so Lacey could take all of her belongings at once? She'd been through enough without leaving things behind). Luckily they hadn't gotten very far down the road when Michael pulls in. She was able to take all of her stuff with her to her aunt's (by this time Lacey was more accepting of the move). As I put the last bag in the car (Lacey was already buckled in, new art set on her lap, ready to go) I tried to tell her bye, I'd miss her, and I hope she liked her aunt's house, but she was not very responsive. Honestly, that hurt for a second. I realized later she was "behind a wall" trying to protect herself from more hurt, or so I imagine....

This is hard. A different kind of hard than anyone can prepare you for. At the same time, it's a good kind of hard..  💔

The Call

This afternoon, while attempting a workout, my phone rings from an unknown number...
A few seconds later it beeped to notify me of a voicemail.
It was a caseworker at the Children's Division. She had a possible placement if we were interested. I called her right back to get more details. She told me the situation and as much detail as she could. Michael and I agreed to open our home to our first foster placement.

The hours after that were kinda a blur or getting fresh sheets on the bed and impatiently waiting for them to arrive. The call came before 4 pm and they had arrived about 6:30 pm. It was a rush of information and emotion.

Maddie and the little girl seemed to click right away; off they went as the caseworker talked to us a little more. The little girl wasn't showing any signs of being scared or shy at all. She seems perfectly happy, healthy and thriving. Maddie showed her around and they carried all her things into her room. Later she asked if she could show me one of her dresses. Of course! Then she had bracelets to show. She and Maddie have matching pj's and they thought that was pretty cool. 

At bedtime I suggested we read some stories. She offered her new book we could all read together. Maddie asked if she could sleep in the room also. She got the top bunk. My heart melted as Maddie and her new sister bonded. Maddie didn't want her to be alone in the room, how sweet. Makes my heart full!!

The girls were tucked in bed. I asked if anyone wanted hugs (didn't want to push). She thought for just a second and said, "I do!" I gave both girls hugs, turned on a recorded story and shut off the lights. 

I came to the computer to finish last night's blog. My heart was so full and so broken all at the same time. I hadn't quite processed it all when my friend texted. She said something I needed to hear. Another rush of emotion. I burst into tears. No one can prepare you for this, and it's just the beginning.

If I can make even a small difference in the lives of these kids who need to feel loved and safe, I'll know my heart drug me into the right direction. My "broken" heart will heal (sort-of). As long as I do what I can to give them what they need, even for a short while, it will be worth it.