Right after the Wedding, I forget exactly how long, I went off my BC. We were not TRYING, but we were ok if it happened. Soon after we were married my periods just stopped. For about 3 months or so. My mom worked at the Ob/gyn's office so she would communicate what was happening to the doctor. She told me to take a pregnancy test- of course BFN (negative). She said try a First Morning Urine pregnancy test-- again BFN. She gave me a shot of progesterone in oil. This happened the same was for those 3 months..... I had to get the shot to have a cycle. In December a friend of my mom's who happened to work in the OB department of the Hospital decided she wanted to do an ultra sound on me. She didn't see anything. Another shot of progesterone for me.
During this time the Doctor had done exams on me (of course). She thought or suspected I had PCOS, but I didn't have any health insurance at the time. I didn't get the official testing done, she just assumed that's what it was.
Later on a few months we decided we wanted to TRY and were really upset when it didn't happen. She gave me Clomid at 50mg, and another Rx to work with it (I forget the name!), nothing happened. Another cycle started-- another Rx of Clomid at 50mg..... again, nothing. The Third month we decided to double up on the Clomid, 100mg while watching for O (like usual).......... Nothing. I was crushed, beyond words. That was it, I was done. I couldn't do it anymore.
In July I think it was, we found out Michael's cousin was pregnant. We were excited for them, but sad for us. We decided to take a big break and let her have her time. Somewhere around this time my mom decided she was going to start Weight Watchers, and wanted some support. So I did it with her.... Over the Summer I had lost about 30 pounds. I didn't think much of it, just kept going along.......
December 2005- Christmas Time with the In-laws. My hubby's sister's Boyfriend (and baby's dad) decided to propose.... I was more emotional than she was. I shed a few tears and they asked why I was crying. I didn't know! lol Christmas Eve, everyone was sick with flu-like symptoms, just really sick. I didn't feel so well, but didn't think anything of that either. I never threw up, just felt awful.
On Christmas morning, for some crazy reason, I decided I would "test" - I didn't expect anything. I took the first test....... a dot and a line..... A DOT and a line?! WTH? I asked hubby what he thought. He was still half asleep and said "it looks like 4 to me!" hmmm....? I took another test-- looked like 2 lines to me... Hubby agreed. I called my mom and told her I need her to come look at my FMU. She said "Your what?!" My First morning urine... "Your first morning urine.... your urine?!" "Yes, mom my first morning urine.... My FIRST urine of the day! My FMU... Mom, my FMU!" "Your first morning urine..??.... Oh!!, Oh, oh, ooohhhh, oh, ok!!! I'll be right there!!" She got there and I dipped another test-- Quickly came up 2 lines! Soooo exciting!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
So much for "MY Plans"
Back to the Story of Love....
After that Prom night in May, I was hooked like a fish. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to see him or talk to him constantly... Summer was here and more time for us. Long walks and even longer talks on the porch. I'd say we fell in love kinda fast. After a little more than one month of boyfriend/girlfriend status, He said those 3 little words...... "I love You." We've been inseparable pretty much from then on. After 7 1/2 months he asked me to marry him.
We talked about our plans. We talked about our future. We agreed on pretty much everything.... 2 kids, maybe, depending on how things went, we'd try for #3. We even talked about names, and agreed on those!
1 year after Prom- our first date hehe- we went to my Senior Prom, then it was time for Graduation. Some tough choices had to be made. I stayed at home to go to a closer college. My dad and I got into a little fight 2 days after graduation, and I went to stay with Michael. The plan was to stay temporarily.... That plan didn't work out either. We moved into an apartment and have never stayed more than a few days apart.
During my HS years I went to the doctor for some painful periods that were "Off" and unwanted hair/acne & other common signs of PCOS. She brushed this off as me needing to lose weight. She didn't bother to test for anything else.
Fast forward a few years and we are FINALLY planning our wedding. We decided on an October Wedding- we both love fall!! We decided this in January or February.... well, we didn't start making real plans until like August! haha The Wedding turned out BEAUTIFUL, I couldn't have asked for more. I would like to have better pictures, but.... I didn't care about decorations or what anyone wore. My Uncle told me he was going to wear his greasy over-alls. I said, "I don't care what you wear!" He just laughed. I just wanted to marry my love, that was important, nothing else.
After that Prom night in May, I was hooked like a fish. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to see him or talk to him constantly... Summer was here and more time for us. Long walks and even longer talks on the porch. I'd say we fell in love kinda fast. After a little more than one month of boyfriend/girlfriend status, He said those 3 little words...... "I love You." We've been inseparable pretty much from then on. After 7 1/2 months he asked me to marry him.
We talked about our plans. We talked about our future. We agreed on pretty much everything.... 2 kids, maybe, depending on how things went, we'd try for #3. We even talked about names, and agreed on those!
1 year after Prom- our first date hehe- we went to my Senior Prom, then it was time for Graduation. Some tough choices had to be made. I stayed at home to go to a closer college. My dad and I got into a little fight 2 days after graduation, and I went to stay with Michael. The plan was to stay temporarily.... That plan didn't work out either. We moved into an apartment and have never stayed more than a few days apart.
During my HS years I went to the doctor for some painful periods that were "Off" and unwanted hair/acne & other common signs of PCOS. She brushed this off as me needing to lose weight. She didn't bother to test for anything else.
Fast forward a few years and we are FINALLY planning our wedding. We decided on an October Wedding- we both love fall!! We decided this in January or February.... well, we didn't start making real plans until like August! haha The Wedding turned out BEAUTIFUL, I couldn't have asked for more. I would like to have better pictures, but.... I didn't care about decorations or what anyone wore. My Uncle told me he was going to wear his greasy over-alls. I said, "I don't care what you wear!" He just laughed. I just wanted to marry my love, that was important, nothing else.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Dear PCOS, I hate you
It's just one of those times that I realize how much I really hate PCOS. I have so much going through my head. I want another baby more than almost anything. Maddie wants to be a big sister, and she wants a baby "brover". :) I KNOW this is no reason to jump on the baby band wagon, but I was already on that wagon before she expressed her feelings. Hubby is also on the wagon, just less "obsessing" about. He takes the whole, we can't MAKE it happen so why worry attitude... I'm the opposite. Not obsessed, just very much aware my "right" as a women is sort-of taken away. It's not up to me and my husband to say, "Yes, we're ready, we want number 2." It's up to my body (and God of course!) to say I'll work right and produce a healthy egg.... Which could possibly never happen. It's hard to accept that fact.
I love the 3 of us as a family, and IF it's just the 3 of us forever I'll deal with it. I won't ever accept it, I can't make that want go away. I have prayed that if I'm not meant for another to please take this want away... Well, the want is still here. I know the pregnancy will be risky for a few reasons and really hard on my body (especially with Fibro, RA, and OA), but that doesn't even take that want away.... nothing does. It's been four years of no b/c, trying, not TRYING or preventing, then trying again. My period was something like 5 days late. For the past few months even a year, it's been really regular. Then last cycle it came about 4 days late, and now this month was later than "usual"... This is what makes it suck even more. It's one thing to feel like there is no way, but then PCOS messes with the "normal" cycle length and gives you that tiniest glimmer of hope.... and then crushes it in seconds!! I HATE you PCOS, I hate you... You give me a glimmer of hope then swipe it away. You make my emotions go up and down faster than a roller coaster. You even have the power to make me doubt my worth or abilities as a woman.... This is one roller coaster I want off of. I just wish I had some answers and ideas on how to control you, PCOS.
I love the 3 of us as a family, and IF it's just the 3 of us forever I'll deal with it. I won't ever accept it, I can't make that want go away. I have prayed that if I'm not meant for another to please take this want away... Well, the want is still here. I know the pregnancy will be risky for a few reasons and really hard on my body (especially with Fibro, RA, and OA), but that doesn't even take that want away.... nothing does. It's been four years of no b/c, trying, not TRYING or preventing, then trying again. My period was something like 5 days late. For the past few months even a year, it's been really regular. Then last cycle it came about 4 days late, and now this month was later than "usual"... This is what makes it suck even more. It's one thing to feel like there is no way, but then PCOS messes with the "normal" cycle length and gives you that tiniest glimmer of hope.... and then crushes it in seconds!! I HATE you PCOS, I hate you... You give me a glimmer of hope then swipe it away. You make my emotions go up and down faster than a roller coaster. You even have the power to make me doubt my worth or abilities as a woman.... This is one roller coaster I want off of. I just wish I had some answers and ideas on how to control you, PCOS.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
In the beginning...
I remember being a young girl, playing dolls with my best friend & my sister. I was ALWAYS a mom of at least 2 babies... Usually a young mom, around 19. For some reason I thought that was the "coolest" age and apparently old enough to be a mom. haha I have no clue why or where I got that idea.... The point is I was ALWAYS a mom.
My answer to the famous "What do you want to be when you grow up" changed many times. I remember wanting to be a pharmacist, a Pediatrician, a teacher, even an ultrasound tech, but most of all I wanted to be "MOM".
A Mother, mommy of babies; the concept seems simple enough. I am a woman, it shouldn't have been a problem. That is ALL I've ever KNOWN I wanted to be, the unchanging piece of my life's puzzle... The ONE thing that was always in my grown up plans. My plan included growing up, going to college, getting my degree, THEN falling in love, getting married, and have 2 MAYBE 3 kids, of course in the perfect house. :) We plan and God laughs.
I was never interested in being "cool" or popular, drinking, drugs, smoking, or having lots of boyfriends. I had a couple boyfriends in High School, but nothing serious at first. I got my first job at McDonald's of all places; a few guys there caught my eye, and I dated a couple.... My Junior year of High School, I decided I was NOT going to prom alone, without a date. I was a HUGE chicken so I had my friend Jess ask out a friend of ours for me. We had went to the movies once, and "hung out" at work. This would be our first Official Date! lol
Something magical happened that May night. I fell in Love. I didn't know it until later, and even tried to talk myself out of it. I was not ready for a serious long-term boyfriend.....
My answer to the famous "What do you want to be when you grow up" changed many times. I remember wanting to be a pharmacist, a Pediatrician, a teacher, even an ultrasound tech, but most of all I wanted to be "MOM".
A Mother, mommy of babies; the concept seems simple enough. I am a woman, it shouldn't have been a problem. That is ALL I've ever KNOWN I wanted to be, the unchanging piece of my life's puzzle... The ONE thing that was always in my grown up plans. My plan included growing up, going to college, getting my degree, THEN falling in love, getting married, and have 2 MAYBE 3 kids, of course in the perfect house. :) We plan and God laughs.
I was never interested in being "cool" or popular, drinking, drugs, smoking, or having lots of boyfriends. I had a couple boyfriends in High School, but nothing serious at first. I got my first job at McDonald's of all places; a few guys there caught my eye, and I dated a couple.... My Junior year of High School, I decided I was NOT going to prom alone, without a date. I was a HUGE chicken so I had my friend Jess ask out a friend of ours for me. We had went to the movies once, and "hung out" at work. This would be our first Official Date! lol
Something magical happened that May night. I fell in Love. I didn't know it until later, and even tried to talk myself out of it. I was not ready for a serious long-term boyfriend.....
A little about me
I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, and a friend. I believe in God! I believe he has a plan for me... even though he won't tell me what that plan is. :) I believe I was put on this Earth for some great purpose, again, no idea what that is yet.... Other than being Mommy to my daughter and hopefully future kids.
I love PAPER CRAFTS!! If I could do anything paper related ALL day long I would; Maddie would be right there with me (I'm slowly creating a monster hehehe). Scrapbooking is my passion, I might not be great or making money from it (more like losing money lol), but it's what I enjoy. I also have recently started card & ATC making, and I also quill. Lots and lots of fun. My husband says I need an intervention, but he never says "No" when I ask if I can buy something new (if we have the money of course)! lol :)
I also love stories, reading, and listening to the older generations tell stories of their youth, especially my G-ma. I wish I could remember everything she's ever told me, write it down, or scribble it in a notebook for the future, and my daughter. Once they are gone, that is it... no more chances.
I'm also a TV junkie, I hardly WATCH it, but I have it on all the time... just in the background. I love games- board games or Wii games, and especially silly made up games with Maddie.
This blog is going to be my ramblings, mostly about PCOS (a vicious, evil, women's rights-stealing syndrome) and also a little about my life, life with Maddie. A bit of a diary and remembering the past.
I once read a quote, something like "If you write to yourself you also write to an eternal public".... That's ok. At least there will be something from me left when I'm gone. :)
I love PAPER CRAFTS!! If I could do anything paper related ALL day long I would; Maddie would be right there with me (I'm slowly creating a monster hehehe). Scrapbooking is my passion, I might not be great or making money from it (more like losing money lol), but it's what I enjoy. I also have recently started card & ATC making, and I also quill. Lots and lots of fun. My husband says I need an intervention, but he never says "No" when I ask if I can buy something new (if we have the money of course)! lol :)
I also love stories, reading, and listening to the older generations tell stories of their youth, especially my G-ma. I wish I could remember everything she's ever told me, write it down, or scribble it in a notebook for the future, and my daughter. Once they are gone, that is it... no more chances.
I'm also a TV junkie, I hardly WATCH it, but I have it on all the time... just in the background. I love games- board games or Wii games, and especially silly made up games with Maddie.
This blog is going to be my ramblings, mostly about PCOS (a vicious, evil, women's rights-stealing syndrome) and also a little about my life, life with Maddie. A bit of a diary and remembering the past.
I once read a quote, something like "If you write to yourself you also write to an eternal public".... That's ok. At least there will be something from me left when I'm gone. :)
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