I'm a worrier. Big surprise

This has been a rough week for me, emotionally. Seemingly out of the blue the baby is at his first overnight with his mom. Monday the caseworker wasn't on board, but today he's at an overnight? I don't understand.

 There have just been some concerns surrounding the baby and his safety during visits, imo. I emailed the caseworker on a Friday night, I think it was, to voice my concerns. Monday my licensing worker (who I'd copied onto the email) emailed me saying she sent the email onto the caseworker's supervisor. Finally after a week of no response (after sending a text the week before) she responded.. She later called, too. We seemed to be on the same page. She understood my concerns and seemed to validate them. I thought .... well, I'm not sure actually. She just seemed to be thinking the same way I was... overnights did not seem like the next step just yet.

Yesterday the visit was supposed to end at 5 pm. When mom picked him up I asked if she'd be back at 5. She said she wasn't sure, but she'd let us know. I knew the cw (caseworker) was going for a visit at mom's, so I assumed this might be the reason she wasn't sure. Five o'clock rolls around with no text or call as to when they'd be home. At 5:30 I sent mom a text; no response. (This is not the first time they've been late. However, they aren't usually this late.) I'm more annoyed at this point that they haven't let me know what's going on. I then text the cw, who tells me she left there at 4, but she text them.... Finally at almost 6:30 they bring him home, no explanation (again) of why they were late. Then mom asks if cw has called about Sunday (Mother's day). And mentions something about an overnight.

She left and I panicked, but thought maybe she'd misunderstood.  No. The caseworker texts today saying they're having an overnight tonight. WHAT?!? Was I dreaming the phone call where she didn't recommend overnights? WHAT CHANGED?! I'm not sure of my response, but I tried to be nicer than I felt like being. I did not understand. The cw tried to reassure me "she's ready." Umm, if you say so..? Then proceeds to let me know it's not a regular visit on Sunday, it's another overnight. Are you kidding me? Can we please just get through the first overnight before we schedule the next...

Don't get me wrong. I am all for reunification of the kids, but when the bio parents are ready and able. Let's not rush this delicate process. In the beginning of this case we were told we would have him in our care for at least 6 months if not longer than a year. It's only been a couple months. This seems to be speeding out of control. I'm praying that I'm just a natural born worrier and everything is progressing along at a normal pace and above all he's safe and well taken care of.

It's a baby BOY!! :)

In the beginning of February we got a call for a newborn! A boy. We would have to go pick him up from the hospital. We thought he was brand new and of course said yes, with not much other information. We found out he was actually almost 2 months old and was being released from the NICU. The NICU team wanted us to come there to pick him up to teach us all about his care. (Which didn't end up being as frightening as it sounds.)

There was a family member that bio mom wanted him placed with. The caseworker (cw) had to check things and make sure it was a fit, but would let us know the next day (she still wanted to place with us if the family didn't work out). The next day the family was almost MIA in a way; cw said she was giving them 30 more minutes. The family ended up saying no to taking the baby.

After a little debate about road conditions, because of the snow we'd had, we were on our way to the hospital's NICU to pick up this brand new baby boy! I was full of joy and nerves. The cw was right behind us and going to meet us there.

We walk into the NICU, the nurse at the desk asks our names, takes our temps, and gives us directions on how to get to "our" sweet new baby's bed. As we are walking around the corner we hear this very upset baby screaming. The scream is coming from the direction of where the nurse sent us... Another 2 nurses are tending to this baby and we just kind of stopped in our tracks. One asked our names and confirms we're in the right spot. The screaming, tiny little thing is "our" boy. At this point the room fell silent to me and all I can focus on is his sweet face. Time stopped in that moment. I stood frozen, studying every tiny feature, even though it's such an upset face, right down to his tiny mohawk. What a great first impression; I'll never forget for sure! The definition of love at first sight.

He's affectionately nicknamed Dill Pickle (after asking him "What's your dill, pickle?"), or Baby Pickle for short. Baby P <3

Our 2nd placement

A couple weeks (maybe just a week) after our first placement went to live with family we got another call. Again, it was a flurry of emotions and waiting for them to get here. I'm just going to give a brief post about this placement... The time while they were here was busy and I didn't have much time for blogging.

It was a sibling group of 2, an 8 year old boy, and a 3 year old girl. They did have 2 older half/step siblings that we did not have room for.

I'm not going to go into detail, but this placement was great for the first few days, and then it wasn't. On the 4th night the 3 year old had a night terror. Let me just say, I have never seen one before and hope I never do again! It was a school night, and we also had a training class early the next day --not a fun night for anyone. From there it was just a roller coaster of them seeming to take turns being "the good one" and "the bad one"(the boy lied to no end, had enormous attitude with rules and towards Maddie on certain things, the 3 year old threw the most outrageous SCREAMING temper-tantrums it was unreal, for HOURS on end, wouldn't communicate or would just stare blankly when talked to her -to name a few). It seemed they could never both be on their best behavior at the same time. It was trying, it was emotional, it was hard, and it was tiring!!

The weekly visits with the "Parents" (mom, sometimes dad/step-dad) and sister/step-sister always brought fun attitude back for the next few days from the boy. On one occasion the attitude lasted a whole week! Great.... At first they were having daily calls to mom from our phone (don't get me started), but that soon came to an end. The mom never seemed to follow the "rules" of calls, nor was she ever following our time frame of HER CALLING them. The calls themselves were a giant waste of my time and energy - they had to be supervised, and the conversations were pointless and repetitive. The boy never wanted to talk, almost always refused, on more than one occasion we asked him to at least say "HI" to her, then he would take attitude out on Maddie. (That does not fly with me.) Thankfully the caseworker stopped them "for the time being" but, that ended up being for good.

There was so much emotional and behavioral issues with this placement we were at a loss. We were in over our heads in a sense on some issues. Just trying to make it day by day. There was so much we kept finding out and more issues (possibility-not yet diagnosed- of the 3 year old having some form of autism, which we have no experience or solid knowledge of, nor an idea on how to "deal" with it) and abuse/neglect "charges" came to light.... I can't explain it. It was unreal and overwhelming! I am sure you are thinking it doesn't sound so bad or we're exaggerating in some way. I'm not even scratching the surface here. I can't explain unless you were here and saw it, even the people closest to us didn't see it all.

The second week in March they were sent back to live with their mom... I'm not sure that's the best for them, but I honestly hope they are safe and cared for there. It's been pretty peaceful around here.

**sorry for any typos and misspellings, this was a quick rambling post**

Life is unfair.

As I watched the movie Trolls with Maddie, again, I was overwhelmed with emotion... From the Trolls movie? Idk. Anyway.

I sat there rocking and caring for a baby that isn't mine; I couldn't help but feel so confused and emotional. There is no way this baby's mom has grasped what an amazing gift she was given and seemingly almost threw away. I can't figure out why things work out the way they do. Certain things just don't add up or make sense to me. How could a woman ever carry a baby, a life, inside her and do anything that wouldn't be the absolute best for that little life?

A very good friend of mine lost her baby due to an early miscarriage, while a baby was born to a woman who was not at all ready to be a mom. (That's the nicest way I can put it. Not what I really wanted to say...) Why do some women get such an amazing gift who seem so undeserving while others endure such pain and heartache? Or even that empty, yearning feeling so many face? This "part" of life will never make sense to me. I know God has a plan, and there is a reason for this unfairness... but for now that doesn't bring much comfort or understanding.

A couple quotes

"A Foster Mother's Love for Orphans is MORE POWERFUL Than Their Fear of 
Their Own EMOTIONAL SUFFERING." -Sheila Chester




I couldn't find the quote I was looking for, this one is close. My friend sent me a quote today that sums it up perfectly for me (above). 

The long goodbye.

We had a nice weekend hanging out, making memories. On Monday everything was turned into our school district. She should be able to start that Tuesday.

My alarm went off, I headed straight for the bathroom to get ready for the day. Michael went the opposite direction to wake up the girls and make sure they were ready on time. Sounded like the first day ever Maddie didn't have a need to "stretch" (her automatic excuse for being slow). They were both up and ready well before I was. 

I was finishing up when I noticed a text. The caseworker had text about 7:20 am. The text said something to the effect of Lacey will have a visit with her mom at noon and we've found an aunt she'll go to live with right after her parent visit. Keep her home from school if you're able.  .......??!!! What?! We were literally about to walk out the door to school, shoes on, backpacks ready, coats in hand. 

I call Michael into the room and show him the text. I'm sure my face was not a pleasant one. I was confused. We quickly made a new plan; told the girls about the text (they were shocked and confused as well). Then Michael was on his was to take Maddie to school. (He ended up telling me later that Maddie had cried on the way to school. Lacey wasn't happy at the news, but no tears.)

I just stood there for what seemed like an hour. What was happening? How could this be happening so fast? How is this what's best for her reunification with her Mom? We had made plans for that evening with my parents to eat Pizza Hut and the next night have a birthday party for Lacey. I quickly text my mom saying cancel the plans. I also text my best friend just to vent. I was still confused. Where had this aunt been all this time?! WHY hadn't she been making plans before now? Honestly I was pissed. I'm not even sure why or where this feeling was coming from.

By the time Michael had made it home Lacey and I had packed up her belongings along with a few donated items from a new friend of Lacey's. (She wanted to take all P's donated things, btw lol). All of her items in backpacks, small shopping-style bags and Walmart bags. The best we could do on such short notice (some of which she came here with). All packed into the car for later that afternoon.

I'll spare you the long, drawn out, confusing, and downright irritating day. It was a mess we'll just say. It ended with a call from the CW saying the team wasn't fully on board with the move, she'd just stay with us a couple more days if that was alright. Of course I wasn't about to move her again, just to turn around and move her again to the aunt's.

The rest of the week was mostly Lacey and I hanging out at home. Mostly doing nothing. A few games, chitchat, and reading breaks. Less quiet reading alone was going on than I would have liked, but I didn't want to push. We went ahead with the Pizza Hut dinner, where they gave her a whole tray of brownies (had to share with the rest of us, too much sugar for one!). After, we let her pick out a cake and decorations to add to it for the party the following day. 

Thursday around 7:30 am another text from the CW... "If I come get her in an hour can you have her things gathered and ready?" Her stuff was mostly still packed and ready from before, no sense in unpacking. I then realized she still had stuff in our car, but Michael wasn't home from work. The CW said it was fine she'd just get it later (again, for some reason, that really annoyed me. Why couldn't she just wait a few minutes so Lacey could take all of her belongings at once? She'd been through enough without leaving things behind). Luckily they hadn't gotten very far down the road when Michael pulls in. She was able to take all of her stuff with her to her aunt's (by this time Lacey was more accepting of the move). As I put the last bag in the car (Lacey was already buckled in, new art set on her lap, ready to go) I tried to tell her bye, I'd miss her, and I hope she liked her aunt's house, but she was not very responsive. Honestly, that hurt for a second. I realized later she was "behind a wall" trying to protect herself from more hurt, or so I imagine....

This is hard. A different kind of hard than anyone can prepare you for. At the same time, it's a good kind of hard..  💔

First 24-ish Hours

Another crazy day. Maybe not "crazy" exactly, just busy and more to do than I expected. It seems like it has been more than one day. Has it really only been 24 hours since my last post? Wow... and I thought I was tired before. haha I've heard it's a bigger change going from 1 to 2 kiddos than it is going from 2 to 3 kiddos. Let's just say, going from one to two was enough of a change in a short time.

When my alarm went off this morning I wasn't even sure I'd slept. I was a bit confused as to why it was going off so soon after I closed my eyes. The girls, on the other hand, seemed to sleep peacefully.

Lacey (our newest addition) hopped right up and was eager to go for the day. Maddie, not so much. Big surprise there. A couple more tries and she was out of bed, too.

I walked to my bathroom to brush my teeth while they were getting ready. I turn around and there is Lacey with a dress. "Can I wear this?!" She asked with an eager smile. It's a snowy 10ish degrees here. How do I tell her no without hurting her feelings? As carefully and caring as I could, that's how. I explain that it's too cold out for a dress; I don't want her to be cold. Let's pick something else.

The "something else" turned into a bit of a process. She had just gotten a new Hello Kitty short-sleeved shirt and leggings. Her second choice. Umm... again, it's 10 degrees... I thought let's throw some jeans on under the shirt (no thicker leggings to choose from) and add a sweater. Do you know how hard it is to match Hello Kitty pink? Pretty dang hard it turns out! A couple trip ups later, she has one of Maddie's thin jackets stuffed into her backpack, just in case she gets cold. Hair in a pony and boots picked out to wear. No toothbrush.

Her caseworker shows up to transport her to school (I'll spare you more details lol). She would stop by the office to pick up a toothbrush.  She informs me that we will be transferring her to our school district, and I'll need to sign a form. She will let her school know this will be her last day and I'll be there to pick her up at the end of the day. OK... I didn't take it as a definite, right now kinda thing. For some reason I was expecting that process on her end to be lengthy and she'd let me know more later.

Afternoon rolls around and still no sign or call. I text to confirm the plan. No answer. A bit later (sorry, I honestly have no idea of time) I call. No answer. By this time it is getting closer to 2... I'm thinking if I have to get things signed at the school I need to know a definite. Thankfully she calls back within a few minutes. Off to the school office it is.

To make a long story simi-short all the paperwork gets signed and turned into our school district. It's after 3 by now. We make a mad dash to Maddie's school so we don't miss her getting off the bus at home (we're not there!). I brief the secretary that they'll more than likely have a new student Monday (the lady at the central office seemed to think it would be finished in time).

Rushing to get to Lacey's school by 3:35 pm when they let out. We didn't quit make that time, but all was fine there. The ladies in this office hand me a packet of papers and say this is all her new school will need. OK. I explained the other school should be faxing them a form or emailing one to give permission for the papers to be transferred. I don't really understand why but they really wanted me to hand deliver this packet, and almost refused to fax them. I still don't get it. I guess they thought it'd be faster this way.....?? All still seemed well.

As we're on our way home the phone rings. It's the new school. Hmmm... not too concerned, figured it was just a question or 2. The secretary informs me she spoke to the principal and since her papers are not there they can't, by law, let her start Monday. (Insert head banging here. Thanks other school for not also faxing) I gladly offer to bring her the packet, we're in the car anyway. Apparently there are some kind of updates they have to make to their system for new students; it's lengthy I take it. The necessary people to make those updates are already gone for the day.... No school for Lacey Monday AND I still have to hand deliver the papers to the school Monday.  lol

Fast forward a few hours. It's 8 o'clock and we're at Wal-Mart. Why, you ask? A toothbrush.